Basketball Corruptions

Created: 2012-06-29 17:56 -07:00 | Views: 45

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Names

Adam and Josh have created numerous pet names for various players in the league.

"He-who-shall-not-be-named" - Josh gradually grew to strongly dislike DeSagana Diop, especially the pronunciation of his last name. Josh eventually refused to say Diop's name at all, causing great confusion in Adam who was unable to identify theplayer of who Josh spoke until years later when Josh finally pointed him out.

Quaim - Adam's intentional and arbitrary mispronunciation of Kwame Brown's first name. Said as it's spelled.

BOY-kins! - Adam and Josh find the disparity in size between Boykins (5'5) with even the average NBA player (just under 6') to be very funny. Due to his diminutive size, Adam and Josh pronounce Boykins's last name with a heavy emphasis on BOY, saying the entire name in a spritely manner accompanied by a bouncy gesture as if coming out of a jack-in-the-box.

Dampeeer! - Erick Dampier. This is in reference to the [[Sailor Moon]] villain, Vampiel, who enjoyed repeating her own name as often as possible, always elongating the "pieeeeel" section.

Doughboy - Jared Dudley. Josh strongly hates Dudley, dubbing him "Doughboy" due to his pasty and (imagined or not) doughiness.

Pau "Bed of Bees" Gasol - Adam and Josh were pondering why so many players (European in particular) seem to have such bad skin on their backs, shoulders, and arms. It seemed to them that most of them had numerous pock marks or just bad acne. Trying to reason it out while watching Pau Gasol of the Lakers, Josh asked Adam "What, does he just sleep in a bed of bees or something?" They found this concept to be so funny that it became Pau's official nickname. Adam and Josh imagined that, during the player introductions, even Lawrence Tanter would use the nickname, announcing Pau almost in a Professional Wrestling manner: "Paaaau 'Bed of BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES' GA-SOL!"

Mah Boyee/Ya Goyum - Josh's favorite player is Derek Fisher. He would often refer to him as "mah boyee" or "mah dawg" whenever Fisher would do something well during a game. Adam would often respond by pointing to Josh and saying "Ya boyee". On one occasion, Adam made a typo that resulted in calling Fisher Josh's "goyum". From then on, whenever Adam would respond to something Fisher did, he'd point to Josh and say "Ya goyum".

Caramello - Carmello Anthony. Adam noted how Carmello's name was similar to the Caramello candy bar and began referring to him as such.

Fake Marv Albert - Kevin Harlan is a play-by-play announcer for the NBA on TNT. Adam and Josh noticed how similar Harlan's voice is to Marv Albert's and began referring to him as Fake Marv Albert", despite genuinely liking him.

The Crypt Keeper - Referee Dick Bavetta. Bavetta is 72 years old. Due to his age and some of his facial features (but mostly his age), Josh calls him the Crypt Keeper in reference to the host of the Tales From the Crypt show.

Marc "Chunky" Gasol - Brother of the taller and much lankier Pau "Bed of Bees" Gasol. In noting the difference in body types, Adam and Josh labeled Marc as "Chunky".

Horsey - Chauncey Billups. Adam and Josh both noted that Billups strongly resembles a horse and as such, Adam began to refer to Billups as "horsey". That, coupled with the fact that both "Chauncey" and "Billups" (sounding similar to "stirrups") invoke equestrian imagery, cemented this nickname.

Kagey - Kevin Garnett. In a play on Garnett's real nickname of "K.G.", Adam corrupted it to "Kagey" as he considers his defense to be cagey.

Ogretag - Greg Ostertag. Due to Ostertag's large size, Adam and Josh seized the low-hanging fruit and called him Ogretag.

"Threes"

Certain players on the Los Angeles Lakers during the 2012-2013 season were known for shooting three point shots particularly well. Metta World Peace in particular began the season with a high percentage of made shots. Adam and Josh began calling him "Metta World Threes" instead and this naming scheme began to spread to other players on the team, notably Jodie Threes (Jodie Meeks). Adam and Josh began to shoehorn the naming scheme into extremely awkward positions, such as Kob-three Bryant (or alternatively Kobe "Three" Bryant instead of "Bean"). The most recent edition, prompted by his sudden three point versatility, is "Pau 'Bed of Threes' Gasol" (see the Pau Gasol notation above).

Classifications

Josh's Ninja Turtle Concept

Josh noticed that certain players bear an odd resemblance to Ninja Turtles due to their body type. These players currently are Derek Fisher, Devean George, and Corey Magette. He has yet to identify an official fourth to round out the group.

Alien vs Predator

It is widely accepted that Sam Cassell is an odd looking man. Josh noted that his odd facial features were reminiscent of the Xenomorph Alien from the Alien series of movies.

When Ronny Turiaf played for the Los Angeles Lakers, he often had his hair in somewhat long dreadlocks. Josh noted how the hairstyle reminded him of the Predator's hair from the Predator series of films.

During one occasion, both Turiaf and Cassell were on the court at the same time, as their teams were playing against one another. Josh continually expressed a humorously deep concern for any possible warring that could break out between the two races as their kind had been known to battle in the past.

Miscellaneous

NBA Jam

See the NBA Jam entry.

The Olajajerk Stupo-shot

When Adam and Josh were younger, they had a basketball hoop in the backyard and would frequently shoot around with their father. Hakeem Olajuwon was playing in the NBA at the time and his "Dream Shake" move was well known even to Adam and Josh who were only casual viewers. Adam had noted this move and its ability to help Olajuwon's team defeat the Lakers (who were Adam's favorite).

During one shootaround, Adam mockingly mimicked the Dream Shake. His inaccurate depiction consisted of him casually dribbling with his back to the basket before abruptly turning around and haphazardly shooting. The shot would be accompanied by an urgent "Whoa!" as a capper to the move. Annoyed that this shot was so effective at defeating his team, Adam dubbed his own version "The Olajajerk Stupo-shot".

Vlade Divac's Father

Adam and Josh used to play a word game. One of them would think of the first half of a random sentence and tell the other only the last word of the fragment which would usually be something like "because" or "and". The other player would think up the second half of the sentence based on the revealed word and tell it to the first player who would combine the two and share them out loud. The two halves would usually be so disconnected in concept that the result was most often funny.

The exact details are lost to time, but on one occasion the resulting sentence was along the lines of "Vlade Divac's father drove an ice cream truck and/it exploded in a fiery blaze." This quote was so absurd that it lived on in infamy, with Adam and Josh contriving a backstory for Vlade's unfortunate father. Incidentally, the "exploded in a fiery blaze" phrase became so popular as a result of this sentence that Adam and Josh started to use it when describing any kind of explosion.

"Basketball"

When Dikembe Mutombo was playing in the NBA, Adam and Josh caught some of an interview featuring him. Josh took particular note of Mutombo's especially deep and gravelly voice, centering on Mutombo's enunciation of the word "basketball". Adam did an impression that Josh found hilarious. Taking it further than necessary, Josh began to imagine that this was the only word of English Mutombo could say, responding to any questions or interactions with a gravelly "basketball". To this day, any time Mutombo is mentioned, Josh promtps Adam to do his impression.

Lawrence Tanter

Lawrence Tanter is the Los Angeles Lakers public address announcer. Compared to other announcers, Tanter has a very smooth, laid back "too cool for school" style of announcing that Adam and Josh enjoy. Over time, two of Tanter's phrases have stood out: "Laker giiiiiiirls" when the Laker cheerleaders enter and leave the court, and "Too - many - steps..." when a traveling violation is called. Josh noted that Tanter's tone when announcing the girls made it seem almost as if he were leering at their beauty. Tanter's tone when saying "Too - many - steps" also made it seem as if he was disappointed in the player for breaking the rule.

Scola has "the downs"

In the 2009 Western Conference Semi-Finals, the Los Angeles Lakers played the Houston Rockets. Adam and Josh began to take specific note of some of the Rockets players due to increased exposure, with Luis Scola coming to the forefront. Scola's style of play (flopping) annoyed Adam and Josh greatly, and his elongated and somewhat dumpy looking face cause Josh to say that he "looked like Sasha Vujacic with Down's Syndrome", or more colloquially, "the downs". Scola annoyed them both so much that Josh even created an image of Scola looking particularly benign with the caption "Scola has the downs".

Dwight Howard wears Varia

Dwight Howard has a reputation for being one of the most in-shape players in the league. His shoulders in particular are rather massive. Adam noted that his shoulders were so large that it appeared that he was wearing the Varia Suit from the Metroid series of games.

Chick Hearn Speaks for the Players

Chick's announcing style often had him making comments as if he knew what the players were thinking. Adam and Josh enjoyed this and created their own staple comments, two of which remain today: "Kobe says 'Not on my court!'" and "Shaq says 'I don't think so!'". Both of these comments are said with the same sense of excitement Chick had when calling a fast break or other dynamic" play.

"A.C. Green?!"

A.C. Green is known as the "Iron Man" of the NBA for his remarkably long career. Adam and Josh are most familiar with him from his second tenure with the Los Angeles Lakers. However, other than a video about abstinence that Adam saw in middle school featuring Green, Adam saw little of the player and therefore had forgotten about him until the Lakers's championship run in the 1999-2000 season. Seeing Green's name on the roster completely confused Adam at first, causing him to
exclaim in disbelief "A.C. Green?!" Adam had assumed that Green had retired years ago. From that point on, whenever A.C. Green's name is mentioned, Adam and/or Josh will be sure to incredulously exclaim "A.C. Green?!".

Rambo Quotes

Adam and Josh enjoy repeating well-known quotes from various Rambo movies due to their usual absurdly macho tones. In the first half of 2012, Adam and Josh were exchanging these quotes while watching a basketball game. To mock the sense of the game being a "battle", Adam repeated one of the quotes but altered it to apply to basketball, making it "You can live for nothiin'... or dunk for somethin'".

Enjoying this, they ran with it and created the following quotes:

- Did you bring points? Then you ain't winnin' nothin'...
- You want me to shoot the ball I'LL SHOOT THE BALL!
- They called me a rebound killer...
- When you're pro... dunkin's as easy as breathin'...

In a funny twist, Josh for years had noticed the similarity in appearance between Sylvester Stallone and NBA player Zaza Pachulia. Adam refuses to acknowledge this.

Josh's Blanket Blame

In December of 2012, Josh was watching a basketball game featuring the Dallas Mavericks. One of the players on the team was Elton Brand, a player whom Josh had overall considered more of a washout than anything at that point in his career. After watching Brand make two consecutive "bonehead" plays in a row, Josh said mockingly "Good job Elton BLAND." From then on, any play Brand made, good or bad, was met with this mocking disapproval. Soon, this statement spread to any player making a dumb play or messing up a simple pass or shot on either team. Soon, this phrase spread to any player on any team. "Good job Elton BLAND" has become the default chiding statement for any screw up during a game.

Josh's Big 3s

In late 2011/early 2012, Josh became fed up with ESPN's new darling phrase "the Big 3" in reference to the 3 most important players on a given team (brought about because of the move of Lebron James and Chris Bosh to the Miami Heat to join Dwyane Wade). Deciding to find another "Big 3", Josh took the three most important players on the San Antonio Spurs - Manu Ginobli, Tony Parker, and Tim Duncan - and mashed their names together to create his own "Big 3" in one player. This resulting person became "Tonu GiDunker".

Months later, Josh decided to create a "Big 3" for each team in the league. The following is a list of each team's "Big 3" as of June 2012 (with a notable exception of the Milwaukee Bucks, the Washington Wizards, the Charlotte Bobcats, and the Utah Jazz).

Los Angeles Lakers
- Andrew Bynum
- Kobe Bryant
- Pau "Bed of Bees" Gasol

Kodrew Brysolnum

San Antonio Spurs
- Tony Parker
- Manu Ginobli
- Tim Duncan

Tonu GiDunker

Oklahoma City Thunder
- Kevin Durant
- Russell Westbrook
- James Harden

Kevell Durestbren

Miami Heat
- Dwyane Wade
- Chris Bosh
- Lebron James

Dwyaron Bowajames (Dway-RAHN Buh-WAH-jums)

Los Angeles Clippers
- Chris Paul
- Blake Griffin
- Chauncey "Horsey" Billups

Blis Graullups (Bliss GRAW-lups)

Dallas Mavericks
- Dirk Nowitski
- Jason Terry
- Jason Kidd

Jark Kidwertski (Yark Kid-VERT-ski)

Chicago Bulls
- Derrick Rose
- Luol Deng
- Joakim Noah

Derkim Deroah (Der-KEEM Duh-ROAH)

Boston Celtics
- Paul Pierce
- Kevin Garnett
- Rajon Rondo
- Ray Allen

Rajovinul Piarondlen (Ruh-JAH-VIN-null Pya-RAHND-lin)

Orlando Magic
- Dwight Howard
- Hedo Turkoglu
- Jameer Nelson

Jamight Turknelard

New York Knicks
- Amar'e Stoudamire
- Carmello (Caramello) Anthony
- Tyson Chandler

Amar'ello Chanthomire (Ama-RELLO CHAN-thomire)

Philadelphia 76ers
- Andre Igoudala
- Elton Brand
- Jrue Holiday

Eldre Bralidala

Memphis Grizzlies
- Zach Randolph
- Marc "Chunky" Gasol
- Gilbert Arenas

Zarc Randarensol (Zark Ran-dah-REHN-sahl)

Denver Nuggets
- Danilo Gallinari
- Ty Lawson
- Andre Miller

Andrilo Millsonari (An-DRILL-oh MILL-so-NAH-ree)

Houston Rockets
- Goran Dragic
- Luis "the Downs" Scola
- Kyle Lowry

Goris Lowagicola (GORE-iss Luh-WAH-ji-COE-la)

Phoenix Suns
- Steve Nash
- Grant Hill
- Marcin Gortat

Stant Gortillash (Stant GORE-til-awsh)

Portland Trailblazers
- Lamarcus Aldridge
- Raymond Felton
- Joel Pryzbilla

Lamarmond Felaldrilla

Minnesota Timberwolves
- Kevin Love
- Darko Milicic
- Ricky Rubio

Darvin Rubmilicove (DAR-vin Rub-MILI-chuv)

Sacramento Kings
- Tyreke Evans
- Demarcus Cousins
- Jimmer Fredette

Tyrecus Evadettsins

New Orleans Hornets
- Marco Bellinelli
- Emeka Okafor
- Jarret Jack

Mareka Okanellack

Indiana Pacers
- Danny Granger
- Roy Hibbert
- Tyler Hansbrough

Ronny Gribberbrough (Ronny GRIBBER-bro)

Atlanta Hawks
- Joe Johnson
- Josh Smith
- Al Horford

Joesh Smithfordson (YOE-sh SMITH-ford-son)

Detroit Pistons
- Ben Wallace
- Tayshaun Prince
- Rodney Stuckey

Tayben Walprinuckey (TAY-bin Wal-PRIN-uh-key)

Toronto Raptors
- Demar Derozan
- Jose Calderon
- Andrea Bargnani

Jomar Barlderozan (JOE-mar BARL-der-OH-zin)

New Jersey Nets
- Deron Williams
- Brook Lopez
- Gerald Wallace

Derook Wilwalpez (Der-OOK Wil-WALL-piz)

Cleveland Cavaliers
- Anderson Varejao
- Antawn Jamison
- Kyrie Irving

Kyrawn Varvingson (KYE-ron VAR-ving-son)